Healthy emotional and relational boundaries are key to having successful relationships and dealing with life well. The following Ten Laws of Boundaries provide principles for learning and applying healthy boundaries.
1. The Law of Sowing and Reaping - Our actions have consequences. This is the basic law of life. "While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose our consequences" -- Stephen Covey
2. The Law of Responsibility - We are responsible to each other, but not for each other.
"We are to love one another, not be one another. I can't feel your feelings for you. I can't think for you. I can't believe for you. I can't work through your disappointment that limits bring you. In short, I can't grow for you. Only you can do that. Likewise, you can't grow for me" (page, 89).
3. The Law of Power - We have power over some things; we don’t have power over others (including changing people). If I am powerless over my behavior, how can I become responsible? This prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr brings the calmness:
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
4. The Law of Respect - If we wish for others to respect our boundaries, we need to respect theirs. Respecting other peoples choice and freedom is a gift."Our real concerns with others should not be 'Are they doing what I would do or what I want them to do? but 'Are they really making a free choice? When we accept others' freedom, we don't get angry, feel guilty or withdraw love when they set boundaries with us. When we accept others' freedom, we then feel better about our own."
5. The Law of Motivation - We must be free to say no before we can whole-heartedly say yes. If you are not setting boundaries - what is the emotion behind? Is it other peoples' anger, your fear of abandonment, your desire for approval, payback or over identification of loss? Knowing the emotion and motivation behind, will help support and enforce your boundaries.
6. The Law of Evaluation - We need to evaluate the pain our boundaries cause others. Knowing the difference between hurtful and helpful can help with effective boundaries.
7. The Law of Proactivity - We take action to solve problems based on our values, wants, and needs. Mother Teresa said it well - "I was once asked why I don't participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally I will be there."
8. The Law of Envy - We will never get what we want if we focus outside our boundaries onto what others have. If we are focusing on what other people have accomplished or have in their life, we are neglecting our own responsibilities. This can leave people with weak boundaries feeling empty and unfulfilled. Taking action is the way out. "I do not care so much what I am to others, as I care what I am to myself." -- Michel de Montaigne
9. The Law of Activity - We need to take the initiative in setting limits rather than be passive. Developing assertiveness and taking action around increasing this emotional intelligence facet supports creating boundaries with courage.
10. The Law of Exposure - We need to communicate our boundaries to each other. Boundaries need to be made visible and communicated clearly and in the light with all aspects of self.
I have this amazing character structure assessment tool, that can provide a lens to see if your boundaries are weakened. Want to learn more -- feel free to schedule a free consultation today. I want to hear your story!
Adapted from Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend