Conflict happens. It's unavoidable. And, it is healthy and can provide deep connectedness, when managed effectively.
The first step in effectively managing the conflict and associated emotions, is to identify then counteract the "four horsemen" when they show up to wreak havoc in relationship.
Cultural definitions for the four horsemen in the Book of Revelation symbolize the evils that come at the end of the world. They describe conquest, war, hunger, and death respectively. Dr. John Gottman dubbed these, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. They are Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling. While most relationships will have some of these, healthy relationships don't see them riding in nearly as often.
To drive away destructive communication and conflict patterns, you must replace them with healthy, productive ones.
Instead of criticism and harshly attacking one's character, use a gentle start up identifying your own feelings and positively expressing what you need.
Instead of contempt that causes disrespect and moral superiority, try building a culture of appreciation. Per Gottman, contempt is the number one predictor of divorce. Keep you emotional bank full - the magic ratio for positive to negative interactions is 5:1.
Instead of defensiveness, which is almost never successful, express acceptance of responsibility, admission of fault, and understanding of your partner’s perspective. Our excuses just tell our partner that we don’t take their concerns seriously and that we won’t take responsibility for our mistakes.
Instead of stonewalling, take a break and create space. Stonewalling occurs when someone completely withdraws from the discussion and no longer responds. Emotions flood so your reaction is to shut down, stop talking, and disengage. And when couples stonewall, they’re under a lot of emotional pressure, which increases heart rates, releases stress hormones into the bloodstream, and can even trigger a fight-or-flight response. Take 20 minutes to do something alone that soothes you—read a book, take a walk, go for a run, really, just do anything that helps to stop feeling flooded—and then return to the conversation once you feel ready.
Now that you know what the Four Horsemen look like and how to counteract them with their proven antidotes, you’ve got the tools to manage conflict and the associated emotion in a healthy way. As soon as you see criticism or contempt galloping in, remember the secret antidotes. Be on guard. The more you can keep the Four Horsemen in control, the more likely you are to have a stable and relationship.
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