To be effective leaders, parents, friends, lovers, sisters and brothers, we need the capacity to be separate, distinct and a differentiated person from others in healthy ways. While remaining emotionally connected to others, we must also be able to:
Be clear on what you believe, as well as what you require of others
Make your own choice driven by your internal value system
Tolerate the disappointments of others when they decide not to spend time, energy or other resources in the way you may want
Confront others with grace and directness, solving problems while maintaining a positive alliance with that person
Set boundaries and limits to create safety and structure
Simply put -- "yes means yes and no means no." As Jesus taught: "all you need to say is simply 'Yes' or 'No" (Matt. 5:37). Being separate does not mean being less loving.
It just means being clear about what you are responsible for, and what you require for others.
Imagine a 4-foot-tall white picket fence with a gate around their home. You can see over it and interact with others on the other side and, if you so choose, you can open the gate and let them get closer. This is what healthy boundaries are like. They give us the option to let in safe people and to keep out those who are not safe. Just as a real fence around your home or property keeps people from dumping garbage on your lawn or letting their dogs do their business there, healthy boundaries also keep others from dumping their “emotional garbage” on your property.
I have this amazing character structure assessment, that can provide a lens to see if your boundaries are weakened. Want to learn more -- feel free to schedule a free consultation today. I want to hear your story!
Adapted from Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend
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