people are the secret ingredient for resiliency and growth
We all want to be healthy, energized and optimized in life and leadership. Just as our bodies require physical nutrients such as iron, calcium and protein to be healthy, our brains require relational nutrients in the same way.
People don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care — Theodore Roosevelt
Personal (and professional) growth always occurs IN relationship. It is made up of four capacities of character:
Attachment - being vulnerable, and being “in the well” with others; the ability to have deep, healthy meaningful relationships
Boundaries - the capacity to know what IS and what IS NOT yours to own or take care of; being differentiated; saying no, healthy confrontation
Reality - embracing the negatives, resolving our harsh internal judge, grieving loss, adapting well, giving up entitlement
Capability - functioning in the world with maturity, clear on life purpose, identifying and developing gifts & talents, possessing a healthy work/life ethic
All humans are designed to receive good nutrients with others, as well as providing them for others ... it's mutual!
There are four quadrants of relationship nutrients: Be Present, Convey the Good, Provide Reality, Call to Action. Download the chart below for a detailed look at the 22 nutrients by quadrant. Below, you will find helpful language to ask for what you need, as well as respond/give appropriately to that ask.
perspective, advice, and feedback cannot be given before trust is earned
be present
No advice. No wisdom. No solutions.
Asking sounds like:
“I am beating myself up, I need to know you aren’t judging me.”
“I am feeling discouraged today, I would like you to show that you understand without advice.”
“When I am feeling overwhelmed like this, I need you to let me know this is important and a big deal, without dismissing or telling me to get over it.”
“Give me an example of when you have messed up in a similar way, and I will feel more normal.”
“I just need you to be here for me, and let me just download how bothered I am about that conversation.”
“I need you to be with me and my sadness, so I can properly let go of something important to me that I need to say goodbye to.”
Giving sounds like:
"You're important to me.”
"You must feel alone.”
"This is difficult."
"I want to hear about it.”
"I'm with you on this.”
"I'm fine with your intense feelings.”
"Tell me what's going on."
Be there, and for with few words.
Attune to the feelings of sadness or loss.
Keep body language toward, eyes friendly, and tone warm.
Position of grace with a foundation of closeness.
convey the good
Dispense sweetness to the soul and healing to the bones.
Asking sounds like:
“Let me know you think I did the right thing by taking that hard step, even though it was a challenge.”
“I need to know that you actually believe I have what it takes to get the job done and why you think that.”
“I have made mistakes in this area and I do not feel respectable. I need to know you still have respect for my passions and how hard I try.”
“I need to know if you see realistic hope that I will find the path I am looking for.”
“Help me not stay angry at that person for what they did, and to move into healthy forgiveness, grief, and acceptance.”
“I need to know that you are as excited as I am about my success.”
Giving sounds like:
"I am proud of you.”
"I believe in you.”
“I know you can do this, I have seen you in the past.”
"I respect your perseverance."
"I have high confidence in you.”
"I want to help you forgive and let it go."
“I celebrate the good that is happening in your life right now.”
If you see good, say it.
Power of positive affirmations.
Give words that dispense grace.
The more specific an affirmation, the more power it has.
provide reality
Give helpful information.
Asking sounds like:
“I need you to explore with me the reasons I may be shutting down when I am stressed, I don’t really get it.”
“When I get hooked by Sam’s defensiveness, it’s not rational. I need help in knowing what is being triggered inside of me.”
“Since you know me well, I want you to give me your take on why I am struggling in this area the way I am.”
“When I talk about my life, how do I come across to you? Vulnerable? Open? Guarded? Rigid? Blaming? Fearful of change?”
“If you see me making unhealthy decisions, I need you to let me know right away.”
Giving sounds like:
Ask "Why...?"
“Tell me more what you are experiencing? That are your thoughts? Feelings?”
"It seems that you are..."
"It may be that..."
“You seem out of balance with…”
"I am concerned that..."
Convey at the onset, you are for the person.
The truths guide the process. Give wisdom and ideas.
Be soft on the person and hard on the issue.
Positive plus corrective feedback, given warmly is best option.
*If person is resisting, return to quadrant one and dispense more acceptance.
call to action
Push to a practical step.
Moving towards change can be disruptive and uncomfortable.
Asking sounds like:
“I would like some action steps on how to solve my gap in finances.”
“I need a step-by-step weight management plan.”
“I want you to challenge and hold me accountable to take more risks.”
“I need a coach or mentor to get to the next level.”
Giving sounds like:
"I'd like to suggest that..."
"I need to pushback on..."
"Let me brainstorm with you on..."
Find development opportunities:
provide information, books, coaching, skill trainings, set focused goals.
Preserve the relationship AND move towards change.
Executing:
Identify the needed nutrient
Ask (or be) the right person for that needed nutrient.
Receive the good, don’t devalue or divert.
Metabolize the nutrient, to be engaged, healthy and productive.
Questions for Growth:
Which nutrient are you deficit in for yourself? In the next 7 days, ask one safe person to provide that to you.
Which nutrient do you need to improve your skills in when dispensing it to others?
What action step can you take about it in the next 7 days?
Which quadrant do you see yourself strongest in? Make it a goal to provide that nutrient to 2 people in your circle in the next 7 days.
I have this amazing character structure assessment tool, that can provide a lens to see if your boundaries are weakened. Want to learn more -- feel free to schedule a free consultation today. I want to hear your story!
Adapted from People Fuel by Dr John Townsend
Comments