Open and honest communication is key to repairing relationships. It involves expressing your thoughts, feelings, and concerns clearly and respectfully, and actively listening to the other person's perspective.
In relational terms, repair is less about fixing what is broken and more about getting back on track. No matter what strategies you choose, it is absolutely critical that you master the art of making and receiving repair attempts. In Dr. Gottman’s research, the consistent failure of repair attempts is a sign of an unhappy future.
Rewind (Sorry)
“Can I try again?”
“I messed up.”
“How can I make things better?”
“I’m sorry.”
Fast Forward (Get to Yes)
“I agree with part of what you’re saying.”
“Let’s find a compromise.”
“What are your concerns?”
Pause (I Need to Calm Down)
“Can we take a break from this conversation for now?”
“Please be gentler with me”
“I am starting to feel flooded.”
Stop (Stop Action!)
“Give me a moment.”
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
“We are getting off track.”
Record (I Appreciate)
“That’s a good point.”
“I know this isn’t your fault.”
“I love you.”
Microphone/Voice Command (I Feel)
“That hurt my feelings.”
“I feel defensive. Can you rephrase that?”
“I’m getting worried.”
Remember, repair attempts are most effective when they are genuine, respectful, and aimed at de-escalating conflict and restoring emotional connection. Every relationship is unique, so it's important to understand and respect your partner's preferences for repair attempts, and be willing to adapt and learn from each other in the process of repairing and strengthening your relationship.
Want to chat more about actively listening and expressing thoughts in a healthy way -- feel free to schedule a free consultation today. I want to hear your story!
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